Month: December 2014

Day 12: The Holly and the Molly

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(I had a better title for this post, but I forgot it. Don’t blame me. Blame my mom-in-law for making Jack Daniels carrots. I’m so drunk right now. Just kidding. They are awfully good though.)

Christmas day is a special day. It is a day where we celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior while sitting around in your pajamas and stuffing your face. However, sometimes your new Christmas pajamas (another good thing from my MIL) just seem too casual for Christmas dinner. This presents a problem because pajamas have a stretchy waistline that are perfect for holiday eatings. The answer to this dilemma is simple: a Christmas sweater vest. Throw a Christmas sweater vest over your pjs, and suddenly you are fancy. I prefer this one with holly on it because people like it when you wear stuff that rhymes with your name so that they can make clever jokes about it. It’s a definite people-pleaser.

On the other hand, Christmas mornings are usually pretty low-key. You can do the whole #iwokeuplikethis thing. If you are a B-list celebrity, this means that you rock a full face of make-up, including a nude lip and clear mascara. The rest of us just brush our teeth and rub the sleep out of our eyes. In the spirit of Christmas morning coziness, my husband and I created gingerbread versions of ourselves for this sweet hoodie.
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(Note that I am holding my new Korean Barbie from 1987. It specifies that the Korean language is “different than Chinese and Japanese” and also that Koreans are a “polite” people. The 80’s were a very special time in America.)

Anyway, it’s time for me to go play Star Munchkin 2: The Clown Wars with the family, so I better go.

I hope you have a Merry Christmas.

The holly bears a blossom
As white as lily flower
And Mary bore sweet Jesus Christ
To be our sweet Saviour

You Better Watch Out!

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It’s Day 11 of The 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters. In other parts of the country this day is called Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve is a very special night for people around the world. This is a night when a fat man in a red suit who has been peeping at you all year comes to every home in the world.

How does this obese man keep tabs on every person in the world? That’s obvious. He uses a surveillance team. Personnel on this team has access to some of the best espionage technology in the world. Don’t ask me how I know this.

Let’s change the subject. Here is my eleventh Christmas sweater. It has an elf climbing up my shoulder on the back.
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Tomorrow’s the final day of The 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters!
Have a festive Christmas Eve.

Santa’s Secret Operative

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IMG_1288What have I been doing today? Well, it’s a secret. You’ll have to wait until Christmas to find out.

Just kidding. I felt a little under the weather today, so I didn’t do much. I watched Garfield’s Christmas, Claymation Christmas, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, A Charlie Brown Christmas, It’s Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown, and The Desolation of Smaug. It was awesome.

IMG_1289Happy Day 10, guys! Tomorrow’s Christmas Eve, so be sure to come back and check out my super sweet sweater.

Say Yes to the Vest!

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IMG_1282 (2) I own many Christmas sweaters, but I only can have one favorite. This is it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve belted this bad boy and felt happier than Will Ferrell in Elf. This quilted wonder really puts me in the Christmas spirit. It’s extremely comfortable and looks like a giant dress. Is it a vest or a dress??? It’s really a mystery. My favorite part of this sweater is the bonus reindeer block on the back.

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Tonight we visited The Carolina Opry, and I was allowed to sit in Santa’s chair while he was busy checkin’ his list twice.
IMG_1280Santa better watch out because I look pretty good in this chair.

If you haven’t already, I hope that you will embrace the wearing of Christmas vests. Nothing could make you (or me) happier.

Happy Day 9 of The 12 Days of Sweaters!

I’m Wearing a White Christmas

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My Christmas holiday may not exemplify the lyrics of Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas,” but this ivory Christmas sweater with silver beading is showcasing an elegant “White People Christmas.” The knitted Aryans gracefully skating across this sweater sport two-tone dirty blonde hair and three-dimensional blue yarn-ball eyes. I have named them Sven and Olga. Special thanks to Jordan for gifting me this wearable winter wonderland.

(Also, I am kicking myself for not posting close-up pictures of all my sweaters thus far. The details on these sweaters are a sight to behold. Note how Olga’s petticoat is delicately beaded at the bottom.)

Here’s what Sven, Olga, and I checked off of my Christmas list today:

  • A church service featuring a children’s choir parodying “Let It Go”
  • A hot bowl of she-crab soup
  • Mockingjay, Part 1 (A final farewell to Philip Seymour Hoffman)
  • The Bells of St. Mary’s (The film starring ol’ Bing and Ingrid)
  • Lots of unhealthy Christmas snacking

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Let’s all raise a glass of buttered popcorn to Day 8 of The 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters!

My Grown-Up Christmas List

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IMG_1531Let Christmas vacation begin! We arrived at my in-laws’ house yesterday and are enjoying the beginning of a long break. We have so many Christmas-y things we want accomplish that my mother-in-law made an official Christmas list to keep us organized. I cannot wait to cross everything off of this list.

Today I did the following:

  • Sampled every Christmas cookie (except the raisin kind)
  • Sampled all of the Christmas chocolates
  • Played Christmas carols on the piano
  • Went Christmas shopping
  • Wrapped Christmas presents
  • Watched three different TV Christmas specials
  • Wore my seventh Christmas sweater

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I am exhausted in the best possible way.

Come back tomorrow for more Christmas sweater goodness.
(P.S. Did you note my Chilly Willy socks?)

The Christmas Sweater Avenger

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I have heard the rumors. I have seen the pictures. I do not want to believe it, but it is true. An insidious group of sweater hackers have been successfully infiltrating Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties.

These hackers do not actually knit, paint, or embroider their own sweaters. Instead these terrorists create Christmas sweater look-alikes by taping and safety-pinning Christmas decorations such as tinsel and ornaments to their tops. They do not understand the beauty of Christmas sweaters or the commitment it takes to own them. They make a mockery of Christmas sweater lovers everywhere.

As the Christmas Sweater Avenger, I shall protect the good name of Christmas sweater makers and lovers around the world. Should I see you at an office party or bar with your basic Old Navy sweater covered in gift wrap and bows, I shall give you no mercy. I shall only dole out justice.

Watch yourself, hackers, for I am lurking around every corner.
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*Homemade puff paint tannenbaum sweatshirt made by Aunt Sandi.

Do You Want to Wear a Snowman?

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I know that you knew that this title was coming. Well, it is Day 5 of the 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters. A Frozen reference should be allowed, especially if one is wearing a snowman (or two).

I cannot build a snowman here because there is nary a snowflake to be found. However, I still had a snowball fight even without snow. Actually, it was a pompom fight with an elf. Hmm, let me start from the beginning.

I went to CVS to pick up some Christmas photos that had been developed. After picking up various toiletry items and carefully calculating my coupon strategy, I walked up to the register where an elf was the cashier. Okay, he might not truly be an elf, but he was small with a mischievous grin and high-pitched voice. Plus, he was wearing a plaid button-up shirt, a Christmas tree tie, and a Santa hat with an enormous pompom at the end.

Here is how our conversation went:

Elfin Cashier: Hi!
Me: Hi!
EC: My pompom is bigger than yours.
  He waggled his giant pompom towards my face.
EC: Although, I guess you do have two.
  He gestured towards my two minuscule pompoms.
  Suddenly, I understood how men feel. 
Me: Well, I might not have a large pompom, but I am famous for The 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters, which people asked me to start a blog for.
  My defense sounded weak to my own ears. 
EC: Well, I can’t beat that. However, I do have a red velvet robe that I glued fur trim onto so I can be-
EC & Me: Father Christmas!
  We said it simultaneously. We both laughed with Christmas glee. 
  The lady behind me glared at us with the spirit of Ebenezer Scrooge. 
EC: You have two dollars and three dollars in extra bucks.
  He handed me my receipt. 
Me: Thank you.
  I walked away with my cart. 
EC: Goodbye… 12 days of Christmas sweaters…
  His voice sounded sad. Was it because of the all the Scrooges in line?
  I didn’t turn around.
   I didn’t want to see him sad.
  Instead, I called out behind me.
Me: Goodbye… Father Christmas!
  He giggled.
  I could hear the smile creep back into his voice. 

Bonus pictures: These are an attempt to photograph me throwing a snowball. (I didn’t realize posing for pictures would be so challenging when I started this blog, but it is hard to look interesting every single day.) I think you could make a flip book with them.

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These pictures are dedicated to elves everywhere. Don’t let the Scrooges of the world steal your joy. Wear your snowmen and pompoms with pride.

Quest in Vest Makes One Less Stressed

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Usually, I’m finished with my Christmas shopping by the first week of December. I like to brag about the beautifully wrapped presents beneath my tree as I lie prone on my sofa while other schmucks wait in big lines at the mall. Big lines like this:IMG_1512
Tonight Jono and I ended up going shopping together because I needed to pick up my free birthday gift from Ulta. (I live for free stuff.) This picture was taken at Michael’s, a store Jono sometimes wishes didn’t exist. However, the gentle curve of shoppers waiting in line here was nothing compared to the serpentine line of crazies at TJ Maxx.

Shopping during the holiday season can be stressful, which is why it is imperative to wear Christmas-themed apparel when on a gift-themed mission. Christmas sweaters or a sweet velvet vest like the one I’m wearing can provide the following while battling the hordes:

1. Mobility while searching high and low for the perfect present.
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2. Amusement for strangers around you who are secretly instagramming your sartorial choices. #uglyChristmassweater

3. Lessening of the daily amount of creepy men who hit on you.

4. Smiles from tired cashiers who are ready to find amusement in anything.

5. Conversations with people in line who would normally ignore you.

6. Compliments from cute septuagenarians wearing jingle bell earrings.

7. Satisfaction in the knowledge that you are Best in Vest in line.
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So don’t forget to don your best vest on your next quest to the mall, you schmucks. #Christmassweatersforlife

Sweater Sharing is Caring

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Tonight I loaned one of my many Christmas sweaters to a friend for her two ugly Christmas sweater parties that she will attend this week. (She is a lucky dog, getting to wear my sweater twice in one week.) As a hoarder collector of holiday-themed knitwear, I am often asked to lend my sweaters to the less fortunate. These poor souls do not heed my advice to buy their sweaters at Salvation Army in the heat of August, when Christmas apparel is plentiful and often half-priced. While I am not intrinsically a good sharer, I know that God would not have me keep the joy of wearing Christmas sweaters to myself. Thus, I have become a benefactress of Christmas sweaters.

As the self-appointed saint of sweaters, I have bestowed upon myself the duty of dressing the next generation in Christmas-themed garb. Sweaters for those less aged than I are rarely sighted at thrift stores because they are socially acceptable for people who still believe in Santa Claus. Paying more for a baby’s Christmas sweater than for a third of my collection of vintage pullovers, cardigans, and vests does hurt my stingy wallet a bit, but it is a necessary evil to keep a beautiful tradition going.
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(This adorable vest is going to one of my nephews. If I don’t specify which one, then I’m not spoiling the surprise, right? )

If you’re reading this blog and would like me to see your sweater collection, drop me a line. After all, sweater sharing is caring.

Come back tomorrow for Day 4 of The 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters.
Not even I know what I am going to wear tomorrow.!