I have heard the rumors. I have seen the pictures. I do not want to believe it, but it is true. An insidious group of sweater hackers have been successfully infiltrating Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties.

These hackers do not actually knit, paint, or embroider their own sweaters. Instead these terrorists create Christmas sweater look-alikes by taping and safety-pinning Christmas decorations such as tinsel and ornaments to their tops. They do not understand the beauty of Christmas sweaters or the commitment it takes to own them. They make a mockery of Christmas sweater lovers everywhere.

As the Christmas Sweater Avenger, I shall protect the good name of Christmas sweater makers and lovers around the world. Should I see you at an office party or bar with your basic Old Navy sweater covered in gift wrap and bows, I shall give you no mercy. I shall only dole out justice.

Watch yourself, hackers, for I am lurking around every corner.

*Homemade puff paint tannenbaum sweatshirt made by Aunt Sandi.