Usually, I’m finished with my Christmas shopping by the first week of December. I like to brag about the beautifully wrapped presents beneath my tree as I lie prone on my sofa while other schmucks wait in big lines at the mall. Big lines like this:
Tonight Jono and I ended up going shopping together because I needed to pick up my free birthday gift from Ulta. (I live for free stuff.) This picture was taken at Michael’s, a store Jono sometimes wishes didn’t exist. However, the gentle curve of shoppers waiting in line here was nothing compared to the serpentine line of crazies at TJ Maxx.

Shopping during the holiday season can be stressful, which is why it is imperative to wear Christmas-themed apparel when on a gift-themed mission. Christmas sweaters or a sweet velvet vest like the one I’m wearing can provide the following while battling the hordes:

1. Mobility while searching high and low for the perfect present.

2. Amusement for strangers around you who are secretly instagramming your sartorial choices. #uglyChristmassweater

3. Lessening of the daily amount of creepy men who hit on you.

4. Smiles from tired cashiers who are ready to find amusement in anything.

5. Conversations with people in line who would normally ignore you.

6. Compliments from cute septuagenarians wearing jingle bell earrings.

7. Satisfaction in the knowledge that you are Best in Vest in line.

So don’t forget to don your best vest on your next quest to the mall, you schmucks. #Christmassweatersforlife